Question Existing

I’m so lost and confused days months and 2 years have passed. He is still hurting me, the abuse has gotten worse, the beatings have almost killed me. He almost killed my mother, he beat my brother until he passed out. I refused him again and was made to make a pot of boiling hot water to be poured on me if I didn’t lay there and let him hurt me. The bunk beds in my brother’s room when no one was home was the “Torture Room” for me.

Things never got better they got even worse. I wanted to die. I didn’t understand what to do and why am I here existing. As a child, I should be able to enjoy being a child learning about fun things but instead, I was doing adult things to a grown man so he did hurt me, my mom, and my brothers. Now I understand why he always called me the “Sacrificial Lamb”. As long as I pleased his sexual needs the home would have good days. As long as I let him rape me anally, give him oral sex without crying and fake as if I enjoyed it. The extension cords would not come out, the beatings towards my mom would be limited, and my brothers would not have to worry about being beaten for just breathing.

Every day felt like my last day on this Earth, I wanted the pain to just stop. I would go in the bathroom and get on my knees and pray to god and cry and ask him to help me and to stop this pain. After a while, as time went by I just stopped asking, I felt helpless, and that GOD had abandoned me. I didn’t believe a god was there because if he was, why would he allow this to happen to me? I did nothing to deserve this, so please tell me why am I still existing.

In my 7th grade year my mom got pregnant with my twin brothers, the bigger she got the more often the sexual abuse would happen, late nights, early mornings. 2-3 times a day. I stayed silent and let the disgust just happen, I had no choice. I was crying and screaming in my head and each time the bleeding in my anal area got worse. I started gaining bruises on my butt. Each time I got up cleaned myself up and went about my day.

The school was my getaway, it was a place I could go and not think about the pain. I always made sure I got up even after getting 2-3 hours of sleep from having to perform sexual duties, bags underneath my eyes I still made it to school. That’s the only place I could be me and feel like I had a purpose. My mom eventually gave birth to my brothers that were the happiest moments. Every time I held them I started to feel a purpose. He wanted nothing to do with his children so every morning I would wake up before going to school and help my mom with my brothers.

I enjoyed coming home from school to see their faces. The sexual abuse started slowing down and I felt a purpose to live. The townhome we lived in was too small for all of us so we moved to a bigger one. I started smiling more I thought a lot of things were over with, until that one day. I was in class and was called out due to my mom picking me up. On the way home I could see in my mother's eyes that something bad was about to happen.

I get home and I helped feed one of my brothers, my mom left and went to work. He came into the room and said “Put him down now” so I laid Simeon on the bed next to Solomon. I saw the extension cord in his hand. He told me to take my sweater off and said “ This is for going to school without my permission” and beat me till my arms and back bled and my skin was peeled. But that wasn’t the end, He tore my pants off pushed me across the bed, and raped me in front of my baby twin brothers.

when he was done he pulled me up told me to get the fuck out of his sight. That day was the complete end of any happiness. My days turned back dark.

It was the end of bright days and the beginning of the questioning of my existence. Sometimes I wake up and wonder what is real or this a continous dreamlike existense, does it come with love? does it come with happienss, does it come with peiece. In one life-time I will have all those things. My Existence.